Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.