When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Just parrot things
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Reporter: *ports again*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong