ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.