Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I need a headline like this
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.