DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
what does he know…
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00