I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know itβs a scam
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend downβ¦even if you feel the friendship has run its course.β£β£
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Flight attendant: Youβre sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Iβll have a whiskey.
βOn The Rock?β
Yeah, the rocksβwait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
βThis oneβs free, buddy.β
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night Iβm the only one using it.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with βbut are you going to wear makeup?β
Have kids they saidβ¦