Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.