Passed by a old school Math example today.
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen