[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.