When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now