love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy