Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”