just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.