In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You Might Also Like
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first