When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Customize Your Wedding.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Solving a traffic jam
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.