Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
opening twitter today
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Was it something I said?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.