Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack