Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My new favorite headline
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I just love that new Pope smell.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport