“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart