A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
my astrological sign is a french fry
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Skills
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen