I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise