facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today