Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My background check bounced.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*