Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater