Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay