Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Fidel Castro was alive?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.