Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My dad teaching me to drive
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.