Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Beware of the dog..
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.