saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop