Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?