[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.