What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Dune (2021)
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Best seat on the street 😍
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster