If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You Might Also Like
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: