🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
You Might Also Like
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere