Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’m giving up for Lent.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”