My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
From my Mom