Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*seductively eats two tums*
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.