Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]