I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.