A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.