“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
This is amazing.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
when there are deer in the woods
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!