Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Thursday
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
best first i’ve ever seen
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.