Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”