2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If a snake ate a cake
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no