My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh