Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Science memes
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.