Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[eulogy]
line?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Not my job 😂
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant