It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
What if all the cashiers are married?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
🌱🌱🌱
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: