[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Flowers bee like
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.