i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My inexpensive home security system…
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…